lately: been filling my kitchen sink up with hot water and pine sol. im not actually cleaning, just letting the smell of cleanliness permeate the room.

lately: thinking on a level that jumps between what my most aesthetically appealing work signature was and what is actually worthwhile in this world.

lately: can't decide if i'm completely satisfied with my life or if i'm on the brink of being committed.

lately: self-medicating with anything i can get my hands on

lately: downloading every documentary i can find on arctic mammals and enjoying the way their noses twitch in the cold.

lately: feeling increasingly isolated from most people, like i am some sort of running joke to everyone i know. it's either completely ridiculous or completely legitimate, i'm not sure which yet.


lately: i've listened to two things: private eyes by hall & oates and spanish love ballads from 1967.

lately: i need to get out of this fucking town and away from the western vampires that inhabit it.

i think i might miss you enough to say so.

i want desperately to connect to people.

it's just impossible when you don't respect them.

i have pushed everyone so far out of my life that there's not a whole lot left.

i hate people. i hate parties. i hate individuals that only want to get wasted and sleep with random strangers. i hate people that do so many drugs that it's the only thing left they have to look forward to. everything in this town is too close, we all know each other on a level that is beyond acquaintance.

i don't want to try to start something meaningful with someone that my cousin or sara or diana or jason or lauren or andrew or greyson or anyone else has slept with. i want to experience something that can't be chalked up to a thirty second story about how it was merely "alright."

i need something meaningful and i think i have exhausted all my options in this town.

i used to like large groups of people,

now i just hate them.